


The Dog, The Cock and The Fox

by StellaRivers



Series: Garak's Fables [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Aesop's Fables - Freeform, Dick Jokes, Fables - Freeform, Flirting, Friendship, Garak's Fables, Garashir - Freeform, Garashir Lunch Dates, Gen or Pre-Slash, I'm still bad at scripts, Julian Bashir and Elim Garak's Book Club, M/M, Oblivious Julian Bashir, Pre-Slash, Screenplay/Script Format, Sexual Tension, Thirsty Elim Garak, aesop, cock jokes, discussion of porn, enjoying that denobulan sausage garak, extremely high brow humour, garak very obviously flirting, mentions of garak's shitty childhood, the dog the cock and the fox
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:07:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29849577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellaRivers/pseuds/StellaRivers
Summary: A dog and a cock are best friends who live on a farm. One day, they leave the farm for an adventure, have a good day exploring and come to roost in a hollow tree. The dog crawls inside the tree while the cock perches on a branch. In the morning, the cock forgot where he was and crowed loudly. Instead of waking the farmer, the cock woke a nearby fox, who approached the cock with the intention of eating him. The cock told him to go around to the hollow of the tree, where his porter would let him in. The unsuspecting fox did so and was immediately seized by the dog.Those who try to deceive may expect to be paid in their own coin.OrAlways check for danger around every corner.
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Elim Garak, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Series: Garak's Fables [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2151450
Comments: 12
Kudos: 20





	The Dog, The Cock and The Fox

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted an excuse to write some dick jokes. FYI, there are a LOT of Aesop's fables with cocks and asses in them so...yeah, prepare yourselves for future installments. Neither of my boys really gets the point of this one, which is basically code for me not understanding it either. Also featuring the most awkward stage directions ever!

Garak: Doctor Bashir! How nice of you to join me. 

Bashir: Hi, Garak! What did you think of this week’s fable? 

Garak: Well, the story itself was quite enjoyable, but one of the animals in it has a rather…interesting etymology. 

Bashir: *innocently* Oh? 

Garak: I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. 

Bashir: How should I know? 

Garak: As you’re no doubt aware, I often consult the computer for any Earth references I don’t understand. 

Bashir: Really? 

Garak: Yes…I asked the computer what a dog was and that was straightforward enough. 

Bashir: Good for you. 

Garak: However, when I asked the computer what the next named animal was, the first thing I got was a string of filth from the Federation Pornography Archive. 

Bashir: *bursts out laughing* 

Garak: It’s not funny, Doctor, I was eating a Denobulan sausage at the time. 

Bashir: *laughs even harder* 

Garak: Of course, I found the animal once I’d filtered out all the filth…

Bashir: *uncontrollable laughter* 

Garak: I was almost afraid to ask what the third animal was. 

Bashir: *still laughing like an impetuous child* How was your Denobulan sausage? 

Garak: Salty. 

Bashir: *continues laughing* 

Garak: Oh, very funny. I knew you were young but was unaware that you were a toddler. 

Bashir: I don’t think that sort of content is very appropriate for a toddler. 

Garak: It’s not appropriate for anyone! Honestly, I can’t believe that you people walk around this station pretending to be civilised professionals when _that_ is what you watch for entertainment. 

Bashir: It’s not _all_ we watch! We do have other forms of entertainment! It’s just…well, when we get cold and lonely in the middle of the night in the privacy of our own quarters, we sometimes stick it on and have a w… 

Garak: I get the idea…vulgar though it is. 

Bashir: You’re not seriously telling me Cardassians don’t have porn, are you? 

Garak: We most certainly do not! No self-respecting Cardassian would ever watch, let alone make anything so tasteless! 

Bashir: But you watched it. 

Garak: I had little choice. 

Bashir: I bet you enjoyed it. 

Garak: I most certainly did not. 

Bashir: I bet you did. I can just imagine you late at night watching Earth porn with your trousers down. 

Garak: I’m glad the image of me pleasuring myself whilst watching human pornography is so appealing to you. 

Bashir: *blushes* Ummmmm… 

Garak: *smirks and raises an eyebrow* 

Bashir: Um, anyway, b-back to the, uh, fable… 

Garak: Yes? 

Bashir: What…what message did you get from it? 

Garak: You mean other than the fact human pornography is disgusting? 

Bashir: Yes… 

Garak: Well, my dear doctor, the fable itself taught me a very valuable lesson about checking around every corner for danger. 

Bashir: You didn’t need to be taught that lesson. 

Garak: I did at one point, I assure you. 

Bashir: Ah yes. When you were a small child being trained as a master spy. 

Garak: Really, Doctor, even you must be aware of how ridiculous that sounds. 

Bashir: I am. And yet, it’s true. 

Garak: *sighs* It’s not. I’m just a tailor. I fail to see the need to discuss my childhood at the dinner table. 

Bashir: These fables _are_ children’s stories. 

Garak: Not my childhood, I assure you. 

Bashir: No, I imagine you read stories about servicing the state through the art of pre-school spycraft. 

Garak: Pre-school spycraft? Honestly, where do you get these fanciful ideas? 

Bashir: Oh, please, I bet you had hundreds of your little schoolfriends interrogated by the Obsidian Order before you even started school. 

Garak: Oh, don’t be absurd. How would I even have schoolfriends before I started school? 

Bashir: If there’s anyone who could manage it, it’s you. 

Garak: Must we discuss my childhood here? 

Bashir: I didn’t touch a nerve there, did I? 

Garak: Of course not! I just don’t want to talk about it! 

Bashir: Ok, Ok, fine! You know…the official moral is, “those who try to deceive may expect to be paid in their own coin.” 

Garak: What does that even mean? 

Bashir: I don’t really know. I always saw it as a story about the importance of friends protecting each other. 

Garak: I see. I suppose that could be appealing if you’re a young, naïve Federation doctor… 

Bashir: Hey! I can look after myself! I just…well…I like to have…friends around…so I can look after them and they can look after me. That’s what friendship is all about. 

Garak: To you maybe. 

Bashir: Now I know you’re lying, you definitely see yourself as my protector…of sorts. 

Garak: Doctor, you’re so awkward and naïve it’s impossible not to want to protect you from yourself. 

Bashir: Huh! Tell that to everyone else on this station! 

Garak: You have plenty of friends here, my dear. 

Bashir: I really don’t. People just put up with me because they know I’m responsible for their health. 

Garak: And, what, you’d stop taking care of their health if they didn’t put up with you? 

Bashir: Well, no, that would be beyond unprofessional, but…well…some people think they’ll get preferential treatment if they make a show of being polite to me. 

Garak: I see. 

Bashir: I’m not going to give you preferential treatment, Garak. 

Garak: Of course not! I would never even suggest such a thing! 

Bashir: Of course you wouldn’t. 

Garak: I mean it. I don’t even like going near the infirmary! 

Bashir: I’ve noticed. 

Garak: So, you couldn’t give me preferential treatment even if I did want it. 

Bashir: Oh, I don’t know. You could be trying to get me to give you house calls so you don’t have to go to the infirmary. 

Garak: Now, why would I want that, my dear doctor? 

Bashir: I couldn’t possibly imagine. 

Garak: Maybe there’s some trap I want to lure you into. 

Bashir: Well, I’d be sure to bring a friend along to protect me. 

Garak: Protect you from me? A simple tailor? Now, why would you need that? 

Bashir: You literally just said you were going to lure me into a trap. 

Garak: Not the sort of trap you’d need protection from, I assure you. 

Bashir: I find that hard to believe. You’d have me strung up by my ankles dangling naked from your ceiling given half the chance. 

Garak: Ooh…not right away… 

Bashir: You know what I mean. 

Garak: I really don’t think I do. 

Bashir: Well…at any rate, this conversation took a strange turn. 

Garak: And to think, it started off by talking about human pornography. 

Bashir: Yes…well…at any rate, I should be getting back to the infirmary. 

Garak: Quite…and I have to get back to the back room of my shop. 

Bashir: What? 

Garak: That’s where I’m working on a lovely ambassadorial robe. 

Bashir: Oh…of course…well, I’ll see you next week, then. 

Garak: See you next week, my dear doctor.

**Author's Note:**

> I can only apologise for that ending, it went somewhat off the rails. I, uh, hope you enjoyed it anyway.


End file.
